Square One
by JadaSkye
Summary: [KypJaina] Jaina Solo, fighting the pull of the Darkside and dealing with life, love and loss after the death & disappearance of her 2 brothers.
1. The Ocean

_**Title: Square One**_

_**Author: JadaSkye**_

_**Feedback: Romance/Drama**_

_**Rated: T+**_

**_Setting: NJO: AU Beginning somewhere in the unmentioned middle of _Traitor_. Which means Jacen & Anakin are not around, and Jaina is with Jag—but not for long…_**

_**Synopsis: K/J. Jaina, fighting the pull of the Darkside and dealing with life, love and loss after the death & disappearance of her 2 brothers. Plus, URST at its finest: Kyp and Jaina, prolonging the inevitable.**_

_**Disclaimer: George owns all the characters, etc. Thanks to Mae for for the inspiration.**_

_**Notes: This fic was inspired by songs from the magnificent album "The Everglow" by Mae. Listening to the songs/reading the lyrics will definitely enhance the story. And the overall length of this story depends on how many people care what happens, so please review if you'd like to see more.**_

_**This is also my first attempt at a K/J romance and my first shot at a first-person narrative, so… yeah.**_

_**And all italicized phrases are mental communication..**_

PART ONE: The Ocean

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

Man, my shoulder is killing me.

And tonight, I have to sleep through a raging thunderstorm, alone, on this uncomfortable, tiny-ass bed. Then, with little to no motivation for doing so, I'll wake up tomorrow and fight for my life, yet again.

It's not like this is a foreign lifestyle for me. It just doesn't usually bother me so much. But right now, between the heavy beating of rain on the roof, the thunder cracking and making the lights dim every couple of minutes and the ache in my shoulder, I feel entitled to a few minutes of whining about my pathetic life.

On the flip side, I actually couldn't be more pleased to be a bachelor this evening. If I had to share this tiny-ass bed with somebody else's ass, it would be altogether too much to handle.

Although having a woman worth fighting for in my life _would_ give me more motivation to get up in the morning, at the moment, I don't feel like dealing with any living creature but myself. (And honestly, even that is asking a lot.) Between leading my Dozen and being swamped by Jedi business and living under the constant threat of the Vong, I'm just vaping tired; physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

Even here, in this familiar sanctuary, I can't really rest. My nerves are still edgy from the skirmish and this jungle rain feels more menacing and malevolent than steady and relaxing.

The rain is scattering mild breezes over the surface, but the jungle is still humid as ever. I'd open the front door, but the violence of the storm whistling through these rooms would rack my nerves more than I'm willing to sacrifice.

I'm not expecting company tonight. You'd have to be crazy to try to trek through this storm in the dark. And most of the Dozen is sealed up for the night in the student dorms, a quarter of a mile into camp. I took a quick shower and pulled on an eye shirt and some cut off flight pants.

I walked away from the sleeping quarters, up into the front part of the administrative rooms. I checked all the computers and was sitting down to run a diagnostic on some hardware when I heard a sharp rap at the front door. I cursed under my breath before reaching out with the Force and sensing…

"_Solo?"_

So much for my quiet evening.

I ran to the front of the cabin and threw open the door.

"Gods, Jaina what are you doing here?" I quickly pulled her inside. She looked as if she'd been wandering around outside for hours.

"I can't sleep in there." She mumbled. "I—I just had to get out."

Her dark hair was plastered to her head and her face glistened with water droplets. Her brown cloak was soaked black by the rain and her boots, covered in mud.

She looked amazing.

But her presence felt violently wounded. Outwardly, she was fairly calm, but inside—turbulent; more disturbed than I've felt her in years.

"Are you-- okay? You're not hurt, are you?"

I brushed rain from her cheek and tilted her face up to look through her expression and into her soul--

And was instantly sorry I'd spoken.

Behind her facade, Jaina was destroyed. Absolutely ravaged. My hand slipped back down to my side. She stabbed me with her gaze, but answered my question quietly.

"I'm not injured, no."

"Yeah, well, this Yavin dew is just a little heavier than usual tonight." I mumbled, sheepishly. "I'll get you a towel, hold on." I tore my gaze away from her long enough to grab the driest of the two towels in the fresher.

Jaina's very soul was darkened by the war. Countless battles ripped away all that was left of her innocence, and also deprived her of a normal adolescence. The loss of two brothers and a number of friends over the past few months took the expected toll. Jaina was no longer the arrogant, obnoxiously fearless, teenage daughter of the man who practically adopted me. But she was still a fierce combatant and a passionate leader…

And standing there soaked and wretched and vulnerable and beautiful, she'd never felt _less_ like a sister to me.

When I returned, she'd shed her cloak and was working her way out of her boots. Her green flight pants were splashed with raindrops and her sleeveless, black flight suit top did a fine job of accentuating every curve of her torso. I ran a hand through my own damp hair as I approached, banishing my initial reaction to her into the depths of Yavin IV. She dropped her boots, socks and weapon belt near the door and accepted the towel, barely meeting my eyes.

"_Gods, where is your boyfriend now?"_ I wondered, forcing down my disgust toward Jagged Fel for the lack of his presence in this situation. But her voice interrupted my disdainful thoughts.

"Why are you sleeping here and not with the Dozen?" she asked softly, still not meeting my gaze.

"I wanted to check on some diagnostic stuff. And truth be told, I needed a moment away from the Dozen to pull myself together."

She didn't say anything for a long moment. Then she sighed, quietly, but heavily and moved toward the computer room.

"Well, I won't disturb your solitude. I'll be up here."

"Hey, no! No. Come back here." I grabbed her hand instinctively to pull her back into the sleeping quarters.

Her eyes fell on our hands and I watched her face as she looked at them. My fingertips burned at her touch, but I slammed a heavy door on my rising emotions. This was no time to entertain old feelings, and certainly no time to add confusion to a mess of other powerful emotions. We'd held hands a few times before, and it was always just electric enough to be awkward. But this time, she didn't even flinch at my touch. Something was seriously wrong.

"What's going on, Goddess?"

"_Everything-- hurts, Kyp..."_

She didn't think or say anything else. I turned her to face me, taking both of her hands in mine, and gently brushed her mind. I felt the raging turmoil of emotions about the war, about Jag, about her family, about Anakin—but mostly about Jacen. Her twin brother's presence made up a sizable part of her own life force. I reached out in the Force and was grieved to feel a perceivable hole in her very essence.

I knew the terror of battle. I knew the heartache of hopelessness, the agony of loneliness and the intense pain of losing family. But for the first time in my life, I felt not bitter, but grateful that my life had led me to the place where I could comfort someone as dear to me as Jaina Solo. Looking at her face, the pain of losing my own brother returned abruptly and powerfully.

"_I understand."_

Much to my surprise, she forcefully dropped my hands—and exploded.

"No, you don't understand, okay!" she growled, her voice wavering and increasing in volume. Her anger flared as a clap of thunder rumbled over the cabin.

"Don't even pretend to understand! You cannot fix this! Don't lie to make me feel better!"

I froze, feeling a sense of dread as her lower lip began to tremble uncontrollably. "Jaina…"

"Kyp, there is a black hole burning inside of me…" she continued. "Where there was once life and courage and strength, there is now death and darkness. My whole life, I have had brothers," her voice cracked. "I have _never_ been isolated like this--- especially not from Jacen—and now-- now I am completely--"

No rain from any sky in the Universe will ever match the downpour that I witnessed at the moment when I brought Jaina Solo into my arms.

There's something about holding a sobbing woman in your arms that's incredibly sobering for any man. But when that woman is a public pillar of strength and ferocity, watching her break down is surreal and terrifying. I would have traded my soul in that moment to console her. But she could not be consoled.

Nevertheless, I wrapped my arms around her petite frame, surprised to find that she didn't shove me away, but fell limp against my chest, racked with tears. I felt her pain seeping out slowly, like beads of boiling water hissing over the side of a superheated pot. Holding that pain and anger inside was weakening her, killing her. Although she would never ask it of anyone (especially not me), I knew she needed to unload on someone who cared about her, someone strong enough to share her agony.

I knew how she must loathe that feeling of desperation-- but she wouldn't have come here tonight for any other reason. She was at the end of her line and she needed my strength. She needed _me_.

My own exhaustion had long since slipped out the back of my mind and I began to silently coax her to let me in; to let me transcend the iron walls around the depths of her heart. I had no idea what would happen to me if she actually let her guard down, but I knew that if she'd just stop fighting me, our mysterious, war-forged Force bond would take care of the rest.

However, Jaina was not one to submit easily, and she fought me for a few moments. But the hope that had held her up for so long slowly seeped away and ultimately, she was too exhausted to resist.

I shivered inwardly as I felt her hands slide down my chest and circle my waist. But all pleasure was dispelled as suddenly and excruciatingly, the hot dagger of her pain burned into my body. She began to tremble uncontrollably and her agony smashed into me like an iron fist in my gut. I couldn't stop tears from streaming out of my own eyes as her despair over Jacen and Anakin morphed from a heated sliver into a boiling, raging river of liquid anguish. I was overwhelmed. I felt my knees quiver slightly as I struggled to hold her steady and channel all of the emotions. I swore inaudibly at my moment of weakness. But she heard me anyway, felt the shift and immediately tried to recoil.

"_I'm sorry…"_

"No!" I said sharply, cradling her face in my hand and pulling her back toward my chest. "You stay right here. You have to let this go."

She shook her head slowly. "No, let _me_ go--"

"Go where?"

She's pushed against my chest. "Please, Kyp…"

"Where else are you gonna go, Jaina? To who?"

"Kyp," she gasped through tears. "I'll take care of myself. Just let--"

"Jaina!"

I held her by her shoulders, inches from my chest. She closed her mouth, the volume of my voice having startled her slightly. She was still trembling, but she stiffened quickly—and the walls I'd just penetrated suddenly re-materialized.

The woman could make a fortune in construction.

She finally looked up at me, with defeated, bloodshot eyes, frightened of what she might say if she parted her lips again. Verbal communication ceased for a moment and I pushed damp hair from her face, gently prodding her mind, pleading with her to trust me, to let me back in. She dropped my gaze and denied me again and again—but her resolve was so weak. I didn't understand! There was a time when she _enjoyed_ inflicting pain on me-- why was she so intent on keeping it to herself now?

"_Why are you shutting me out!"_

I felt her emotions swell. I sensed her holding back what she wanted to say. But at that point, she was far too exhausted to keep a filter on herself. She finally glanced up at me-- and her eyes overflowed.

"Because if I don't-- I'll hurt you-- and then you'll be gone too."

My heart shattered.

I reached out and pulled her entire body into my arms. She didn't resist. I felt her wet hair and face against my chest.

"Jaina…" I whispered, just above her ear. "I swear, you won't hurt me."

Gathering every ounce of my strength in the Force, I stood to my full height, and keeping my grip on her petite waist, inwardly commanded the blazing emotions to calm to a simmer and be extinguished. I blinked deliberately, before taking her tearstained face in my hand and meeting her eyes, proving how ready and willing I was to devour round two of her breakdown.

"I've got you, Goddess. I won't let you fall."

_**-Jaina Solo-**_

I believed him.

It was impossible not to…


	2. Chapter 2

_**-Jaina Solo-**_

I believed him.

It was impossible not to.

Tears had dampened the corners of his eyes, but his face was strong, brave and compassionate. His eyes burned into mine, longing to eliminate every trace of hurt and anger from my being. No one but my father has _ever_ offered that kind of strength to me before. Not Zekk or Jag or even Jacen.

I felt my walls crumbling.

I reached out in the Force and took the hand he had extended to my heart. The moment I brushed his powerful presence, I broke. I fell against his chest and felt his life force merge into mine. His strength enveloped me, in a way I can't describe and I wept uncontrollably.

After several minutes, I calmed down and sort of fell into a state of shock. I couldn't believe I'd fallen apart in front of him. I couldn't believe I'd just emptied my soul out on him. I couldn't believe I'd let him see me this way! I felt so embarrassed and ashamed—but it was too late to undo it.

I thought about pushing him away again—but it was so much more comfortable to stay in his embrace. I became surprised at how calm and rational I felt—until I noticed the waves of peace flowing from him through the Force. I knew what he was trying to do, but I am not a simple-minded creature who can be smoothed over with Force-fed peace. Especially not after multiple senseless tragedies! Anger welled up inside me as I squirmed away from the waves, and tried again to physically push out of his embrace.

"Don't feed me that, Kyp." I mumbled. "I don't want it!" He felt understandably confused, until he met my eyes. I glanced away, feeling weak and disgusting with tears all over my face.

"Don't conjure peace for me. There is none to be given. There is nothing you can say right now." I sniffled hard and wiped my face with my hand. "I don't need Force persuasion," I continued. "I just need--"

Kyp pulled back and looked at me, but didn't say a word. The waves stopped, and I never finished my sentence. I wondered how he could stand to look at me with snot and tears all over my face, but he didn't seem to mind at all. And Force, it felt _so_ nice to be held. I felt his lips fall soft on my forehead and I knew he already knew what I needed.

"_Okay."_ He whispered.

He stopped talking and thinking and just held me close against his chest. I suddenly had absolutely no desire to move. I felt his heartbeat against my face and was grateful that I wasn't wearing any makeup—as it would now be running all over my face and his white shirt.

After several moments, he called the towel from the bed and handed it to me so I could wipe my face. I did so, hastily and then smoothed damp hair out of my eyes. His hands were still on my hips and even the warmth of his fingertips was comforting.

I quickly glanced up at his face. He needed to shave, and if I hadn't been so rattled, I would've told him so. Of course, if I hadn't been so rattled, I probably would never have _been_ this close to his face. His emerald eyes flashed at me with concern, and his long, dark hair was still damp from the rain or the shower and was starting to curl up on the ends.

Force, he looked so sleepy and rugged and handsome.

And when that started to happen, it was time to get away.

Pulling up Jag's face in my head, I slid away from Kyp and walked toward the bed. But as soon as I sat down, I hated myself for moving. What good was thinking about Jag going to do right now? He was light years away—and even if he was here, I doubt he'd know what to do. Jag is so logical, and I'm so passionate—it's like he just doesn't know how to handle me sometimes.

Actually… as much as I _hate_ to admit it, I don't think he'll ever get me the way Kyp does. It's not his fault that he's not a Jedi… and I don't care about him any less for it… it's just that Kyp and I are cut from the same cloth. We're both so brash and reckless and unorthodox. Whereas Jag is _so_ refined and distinguished and—normal. I've never seen anyone stay so ice cold in the face of adversity.

Sometimes I don't know how I hold his attention. I mean, if I was him, I doubt I'd put up with me. Plus, with his flight skills and unshakeable confidence and perfectly chiseled body, he could have his pick from any number of women…

But he'd chosen me. And because he was the perfect distraction from my burgeoning—something—with Kyp, I let my guard down and I let him in. And since we were such opposites, it worked between us—most of the time. Until something like this happened.

Jagged Fel prided himself on being devoid of every emotion. So anytime I fell into this state—which was not often-- I stayed clear of him. I relied on Jacen or Anakin to get me through.

But they're both _gone_. There's nowhere else to run.

The most confusing person in my life, is currently the only one I can rely on. And now that he's seen me emotionally naked—there's really no turning back. After the Worldship stunt, I never thought I'd trust Kyp with anything ever again—especially not with my own, very private emotions…

But here I am; ugly… vulnerable… and wishing he would hurry up and come sit next to me.

He must have felt my turmoil, because after a moment, he strolled over and did just that. His presence was so powerful, like being in the orbit of a huge sun. And I was pleasantly surprised that he'd been so strong and silent throughout my ordeal—and by silent I mean not obnoxious, arrogant, sarcastic or abrasive. In fact, he still wasn't quite close enough for my liking, but I was too embarrassed to say anything about it.

"You can try to sleep in here, if you want." He muttered.

In acknowledgement, I immediately fell onto the pillow and curled up in a ball on the bed. I blinked tear-swollen eyes at him and watched as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair. I wish I didn't know that he always did that when he was tired or flustered. Tonight he was both, and I sort of felt bad for taking over his bed.

"_Where will you sleep?"_

He glanced at me for a long moment and rose from the bed.

"I'm okay for now."

Liar. But a noble one, at least.

He started toward the computer room, and before I could catch my own tongue, I sat up halfway and heard myself ask, "Where are you going?"

He turned around and met my eyes. Whatever look I gave him must have worked because after a moment, he extended his arm, called a chair from across the room and sat down in it near the head of the bed.

"Nowhere."

I smiled as much as I could, and even let him feel a hint of my exhausted relief and appreciation. His gaze met mine, intrigued. I quickly shut my eyes and we sat in silence listening to the howling storm for a few moments. When I reopened my eyes, he was still looking at me, and he didn't even flinch when I met his emerald gaze.

Suddenly, the chair was much too far away.

I felt cold. I wanted contact. I was overcome by a desire to be held by him again, and I was too tired to talk myself out of it. I pushed aside a twinge of guilt as my fingers dug into the thin sheet.

"Kyp…"

He looked at me expectantly—and I froze.

My heart and body wanted him beside me, more than anything. But my pride wouldn't allow it.

No.

I did not need him. And I couldn't bring myself to ask him for anything else. Jaina Solo is _not_ a cuddleslut.

I closed my mouth and felt ashamed of my needy loneliness. But suddenly, he stood from his chair, towering over me.

"Move over." He said quietly.

I smashed the excited feeling rising in my gut. _"Really?"_ slipped out.

He almost smiled. "Move over."

**_-Kyp Durron-_**

_Notice of retraction: Sharing an uncomfortable, tiny-ass bed with Jaina Solo's ass is totally okay with me. Anytime._


	3. Chapter 3

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

_Notice of retraction: Sharing an uncomfortable, tiny-ass bed with Jaina Solo's ass is totally okay with me. Anytime._

I knew it was dangerous.

I knew there was an excellent chance I'd regret this course of action and be incredibly hurt tomorrow morning.

But Jaina Solo does not want _anything_ to do with my body very often, and if she in her weariness was bold enough to insinuate her desire, then I was brave enough to let her have all that she wanted.

I slid down beside her on my back, taking the edge of the bed and giving her the wall. I slipped my left arm under her body and she responded instantly, snuggling her entire, perfect frame furiously against my side. My hand settled at the small of her back and I swallowed hard, fighting to counteract the effect she was having on me.

I blinked deliberately, letting my eyes linger shut.

Her body was _the_ perfect size. She fit _perfectly_ there under my arm. And most people will try to tell you that the combined smell of rain, jungle and helmet has absolutely no aphrodisiac effect—but they're lying. At least where Jaina Solo is concerned. Her hair was just under my nose now, and I literally had to force myself to think about unsexy things like explosions and thudbugs and Tsavong Lah's face to keep myself under control.

I finally opened my eyes and thought that as long as I could calmly and reasonably remind myself why she was behaving like this, it would take all the fire out of it.

So, what had just happened between us was the emotional equivalent of passionate sex: just as intimate, and just as exhausting. A hint of that experience was currently manifesting itself in the form of physical attraction. Basically, the act was complete and now she just wanted to cuddle; and me walking away from her right now would be just as cruel as putting my clothes on and slamming a door in her face.

I squeezed my eyes shut again, realizing I'd just tried to extinguish a fire with a full tank of fuel.

It didn't help that right after that, she slid her hand onto my chest, causing my heartbeat to destabilize again. But I took a deep breath, calmed my nerves, and coolly brushed her arm with my right hand.

_It's okay, I'm still on top, I'm still in control… at least for the moment._

We lay in silence for several minutes and I tried to let my thoughts drift elsewhere. But at the moment, our bodies and life forces were so aligned that I couldn't focus on anything else. I left her alone in her thoughts and tried to release some of the memories I had seen within her that night. The place she had taken me was vivid and wild and frightening…

…but I'd already been there myself.

She worried me. The path she was taking was natural after such a chain of events, but I didn't want her to have to walk it to find out that there was nothing but darkness at the end. I empathized with her pain, her rage, her helplessness. It was all so new, so sharp; like she was being slowly poisoned, and her body was gradually, painfully building up a tolerance. It hurt to watch her lust after dark power, to feel her becoming addicted to that which I knew could destroy her. It made me want to hold her closer, and stay up all night while she slept to protect her.

Calloused and strengthened by scars of my own affair with the Darkness, I vowed in that moment to walk through the fire with her, if that's what it took to bring her back. I knew she would not be quick to let go, but I would fight her to save her if I had to. I owed her that much; her father had certainly taken a risk to save me.

But I wasn't here tonight to repay a debt. I was here because it felt right; because somehow, something always drove us back together. Somewhere along the line, Jaina had become a part of me-- and it was amazing. I knew we would never be compatible in the way most couples are, but I also knew we'd always be stronger together than apart. Sure, she could be impossible, and yeah, I savored every occasion when I could get a rise out of her—

But I admired her _so_ much. I admired her for putting up with me! She was so tenacious, but so compassionate. And she had such a bold spirit, that I tended to forget that she was still just a twenty year old woman, with a life just as fragile as any other human being. Jaina had _always_ walked with an air of fierce and utter independence. But in a hidden place in the back of my mind, I reveled in the fact that in this moment, she _wanted_ me here. And five minutes ago, while _I_ had been noble and stoic, her feelings toward me had been completely carnal.

Of course, my thoughts had been rolling steadily in that direction for a couple of minutes now—but it was still a nice moment. Not one I would soon forget. I probably would have brooded over it a little longer if she hadn't broken our mental silence.

"_Are you uncomfortable?"_

"_No,"_ Force, no!_ "Are you?"_

"_No."_

I paused, feeling the true depth of my question. _"Is that good or bad?"_

She paused, and I felt the wheels turning.

"_I don't really know."_

I was deciding whether or not to be extremely pleased with her answer, when lightning illuminated the room, thunder crashed, and the lights flickered out—leaving me alone, in the dark, in bed with Jaina Solo.

What an awesomely eerie feeling.

I was ashamed to admit, I'd been there in dreams, once or twice—but that was a different. As beautiful as she was and as wonderful as it felt to have her against me-- I couldn't let myself go there. Not now. Tonight, she needed me to protect her mind, body and soul, and I would—even from myself.

I reached out with the Force and flipped the switch so we wouldn't be disturbed if the power came back on.

"_I guess we're in for the night."_

"_I guess so… unless you and me sleeping here is violently against your better judgment…"_

That was worded like a test question. And she was searching for a very specific response. But truth be told, I didn't particularly care about the right answer. I was too comfortable to be noble and too tired to lie about it.

"_I obviously have no better judgment. Especially when it comes to you."_

She liked that. I sensed her grinning, and awarded myself a point.

"_Goodnight, Kyp."_

"_Night, Goddess."_

_**-Jaina Solo-**_

He woke up first.

Early, too. The small bed had not been very comfortable, but I immediately missed his body next to mine...


	4. Collide

**_-Jaina Solo-_**

He woke up first.

Early, too. The small bed had not been very comfortable, but I immediately missed his body next to mine.

I didn't open my eyes until I heard him come out of the fresher. It was still raining outside, and the sky was still very dark.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"0600"

"Ugh. I never realized you were a morning person."

"You'd learn a lot if you slept with me more often."

My eyebrows shot up and I heard him swear in his head. He hadn't meant to say that aloud. Maybe he _was_ still asleep. I favored him with a glance and he smiled back sheepishly as I slipped into the fresher and shut the door.

I stared into the mirror and blinked his form out of my head.

Well, tried to anyway.

Kyp Durron was a lot more attractive than I was willing to admit this morning. But sleeping right next to his chest all night long had definitely forced me to re-evaluate my opinion of his build. I'm not gonna lie, the man has a nice body-- if you can get him out of his beloved cape.

Plus, he's such a—wild mess of a man. Sure, it was nice, if unusual, to see him acting so sweet and compassionate, but the fact that he could also be so arrogant and inappropriate made him even more attractive to me.

My heart started to race as I turned on the water in the sink. For a moment, my thoughts flashed to Jag, and I hoped he was okay. But my desire to brood about him was superseded by my desire to finish up in the fresher and return to the man in the bedroom.

I dismissed a slight feeling of guilt in my gut, washed my face and swished some of Kyp's toothpaste around in my mouth- just in case.

_Just in case of what?_

I shook my head and blinked a couple of times. I needed to be careful this morning. Maybe I should just go back to sleep for a while-- alone.

I walked out of the fresher and collapsed on the bed again with a moan. Kyp was stretching his left shoulder out on the wall. He smiled at my crumpled form.

"Still tired?"

I mumbled an affirmative.

"Well, that makes two of us."

I propped myself up on my elbow. "Then why in the worlds are we awake at this hour?"

Kyp studied me for a second and then dropped my gaze. "Couldn't sleep. I think your head knocked my shoulder outta joint." He concluded.

"Oh shut up," I grinned. "Don't be such a baby."

There was something different about him this morning. He was—quiet. Solemn. He felt far away.

Maybe it was the weather. Thunder rumbled again overhead as I brushed his presence in the Force. I was surprised to find a barrier between us. I narrowed my gaze at him and felt him avoiding eye contact. My stomach churned and my guilt flared for a reason I couldn't accept or understand. We hadn't done anything wrong!

But something behind his eyes told me we were on the verge of a serious conversation on a very familiar subject.

"What's going on, Kyp?" I finally asked.

He took a moment to consider his answer.

"A very appropriate question. One I wish I knew the answer to."

Oh yeah, here it comes. _Kyp & Jaina DTR Talk #407._

I sighed deeply and sat up on the bed. "Are we really about to do this again?"

"We don't have to _do_ anything, Jaina. I was just trying to answer a question that _you_ posed."

"Well, I guess I don't even have to ask if last night weirded you out?"

He paused for a long moment and when he finally met my eyes, I was surprised to find sadness in his gaze.

"It didn't, actually," he answered slowly. "And I'm pretty sure that's the problem."

My blood iced over momentarily. I didn't know what to say. I was quiet for a moment while I decided how deep into this I wanted to go. I had evaded the subject a number of times before (obviously, to no avail), and was really in no hurry to break tradition. Jagged and I-- had a nice thing going. He was smart and noble and good for me… and the very idea of Kyp and I as anything but—associates-- was neither simple nor socially acceptable.

Then again, Kyp and I weren't simple, socially acceptable type people.

I sighed deeply._ This is going to suck._

"Kyp," I began slowly. "I think you know how much it took for me to even come over here last night. I really didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. I never expected--"

"I know, Jaina."

I fell silent, because he did know. He knew _everything_—and by everything, I mean everything about me... including the way I felt about him and everything that kept me from acting on it.

A long moment passed between us. He rotated his shoulder a couple more times and winced. "Stangit, I knew this was going to hurt today."

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn't talking about his shoulder at all.

You know, I've always been good at fixing things. Tangible things, at least. But this situation had left me locked up alone with a totaled ship and absolutely no tools at my disposal. I was _completely_ lost when it came to this relationship. And attempting this repair, I knew I was _sure_ to get hurt.

Nevertheless, I stood to my feet and started in, trying to smooth out the jagged edges.

"Listen… I don't plan on telling Jag about last night. He doesn't really understand this kind of thing any--"

Interrupting, Kyp snorted and gave me an incredulous look.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Growl! How dare he act like it was my fault that this madness had resurfaced, when he was just as much to blame! 

"Well, Force, Kyp!" I shouted. "What in the worlds do you want from me!"

His green eyes flashed and I could feel the agony of his stifled desire as his eyes briefly connected with mine.

"Everything I can't have." He muttered.

I blinked.

_Did he really just say that?_

….

Yes.

Yes, he did.

"Listen, Jaina." He continued, carefully. "The problem with last night is not that it was awkward—it's that it _wasn't_. It wasn't at all. It was completely natural—just like every other semi-romantic encounter we've had. Believe me, I wish it _had_ been awkward! Then we could just say that you-- had a bad night and I was just offering comfort, like any good friend would do. _Then_ we'd swear not to tell your boyfriend, and we'd both go about our business, not having to worry about burgeoning feelings or-- or about what the other person is thinking. Please, give me awkward, Goddess! I can deal with awkward--"

He was near me now, and his sensuality was mind-numbing. I could feel his heart beating and he hadn't even touched me. I felt my body temperature rise with every step he took toward me. His fingers finally grazed my cheek and I fought the instinct to nuzzle against his rough fingertips. My whole body tingled furiously and I forced my heartbeat to slow down as only inches from my face, his fiery gaze met mine.

"But this?" he whispered. _"This is vapin' killing me, Goddess."_

….

My first instinct?

Run…

…or push him down on the floor and climb on top of him.

But the run instinct took top priority and I felt my adrenaline level swell to make a break for it. Everything inside of me told me that staying here meant not only making a decision and facing everything I was terrified of, but it also probably meant I was going to do something brash and emotional and incredibly Jaina-like that I'd have to apologize to Jag for later.

It didn't help the situation that for the third or fourth time in twelve hours, Kyp was staring at me in a way that was making me want to marry him and have his children. Immediately. And that was especially freaky since I've never even seriously thought about having children with Jag, or anyone else.

His fingers brushed my hair behind my ear, and he finally dropped my gaze and started to pull away from me, at which point, I completely lost control of my vocal chords.

"Don't…" I started.

"_What are you doing!"_ my head screamed.

I've never felt like such a ridiculous little girl in my whole life, but for the second time in his presence today, I felt hot tears brimming in my eyes. I bit my lip, but he still heard every word I didn't have the guts to say aloud.

"_Don't you let me say no to you again, Kyp. Don't you _dare_ let me walk away..."_

Albeit blurry, I could see the shock on his face. I couldn't speak anymore, telepathically or verbally—but I figured I didn't need to.

I'm not totally sure what happened after that…

Just that there were two people, two pairs of lips and a considerable amount of heat involved.

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

_She broke me. _

_She won._

_I kissed her._

_And oh, __how I kissed her._


	5. Chapter 5

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

She broke me.

She won.

I kissed her.

And oh, _how_ I kissed her.

I don't know what came over me… but she was practically daring me to! One minute she was looking at me with tears in her eyes, and the next, she disappeared behind the dark of my eyelids and I felt her sweet, perfect lips crash into mine. It was not a beautiful, silver screen moment—it was more like a brash, clumsy, unrehearsed moment of utter spontaneity.

It was perfect.

I couldn't believe it was happening. I took about three-quarters of a second to breathe and establish that I wasn't in fact dreaming, before I pulled her against me and slowed down to kiss her properly.

Her lips were—delicious to say the least. In fact, simply having her body that close to mine was more intoxicating than an entire bottle of Correllian brandy. Over the years, I'd always tried so hard (and often failed miserably) to think of Jaina as a child, or a sister, in order to quell my interest in her—but it always just made me feel sick. Besides, she was so _very_ far from childhood. And if her figure wasn't evidence enough, her kiss certainly was.

Her body fit so perfectly against mine that I wondered how I'd ever settled in the arms of another woman. The unsteadiness of her breathing, the way she moaned slightly as my lips drifted onto her neck and her slender fingers playing with my hair and tickling my chest put me over the edge. I'd never gotten drunk on anything that quickly in my life—and as a former Rogue pilot, that is a _very_ strong statement.

_**-Jaina Solo-**_

_Okay, maybe I do remember what happened… sort of._


	6. Chapter 6

_**-Jaina Solo-**_

Okay, maybe I do remember what happened… sort of.

I lost my mind that day.

I don't think I'll ever understand how he seduced me so quickly. But in about ten seconds, Kyp made me want to throw everything I had as a woman at him, simply because I knew that he knew what to do with it. He knew _exactly_ how to handle me, and I _wanted_ him to do just that.

Adrenaline, desire, disbelief, ecstasy and self-control fought a full-scale war in my head. Kyp's body was solid and rugged, and his shirt was much too thin to leave anything to the imagination. Before long, the concern at the forefront of my mind was how I could possibly get it off of him without having to let go of his lips.

I _should_ have felt awful.

I _should_ have felt like a ho and a liar for betraying Jagged—but honestly, how much more awful had I been to Kyp, dismissing him all these years? The moment was much too easy to rationalize. What I did was cruel— but something told me that Jagged would be far from surprised to hear about this.

For all his stoicism, Jagged was actually a very good cuddler and a rather brilliant kisser, but Kyp—

Kyp was like the embodiment of excitement and passion and rebellious idealism; of madness and genius and boldness and unpredictability. He was dark and rough and sexy, and kissing him felt dangerous and exhilarating, like flying through a load of flack into the heat of battle. He was caf and alcohol and glitterstim and every other lethal and addictive substance in the galaxy.

And he was positively irresistible.

But there was something more than just raging hormones and years of sexual tension behind that burst of passion. I don't know whether to attribute it to our war bond or to the Force or what—but Kyp and I connected in that moment in a way I've never connected with anyone else. When the initial burst of adrenaline faded, and we settled into a rhythm of sorts, I realized that pieces of me which had been floating around for years, had suddenly locked into their rightful places and sighed contently. This man made me feel safe and protected and—vital to his happiness. Not just wanted, but _needed_. Being with him suddenly made so much sense to me.

I knew I should have broken up with Jag _before_ figuring this out, but I really think it took getting to that point to comprehend how wrong I was for him. Part of me thought that Jag had already figured it out, and was just waiting for me to catch on and let him go. Guilt invaded my heart sharply for a moment. But at the same time, a voice in the center of my soul chanted in a throbbing whisper, _"It's about time you realized this is where you belong."_

So I finally just gave in.

Sure it was the easy way out, and I rarely tread that path-- but there was no turning back at this point, and I was enjoying this man far too much to let go of him.

His fingers tickled my waist and stomach and lower back, and I knew I was going to have mad rug burn on my face from his upper lip, but I didn't particularly care.

That kiss would have put a summer afternoon on Tattooine to shame, but there was something sweet about it too. I let my mind connect to his and was extremely pleased to find that he was having to work so hard to control his desire for me.

However, I was so used to antagonizing him that I couldn't help myself. I slid my hands down to his hips, grabbed the edges of his thin tunic and pulled it off.

I know! I know… I shouldn't have done that.

But I didn't really think about it before I did it, I just thought it would be fun.

It certainly achieved the desired effect.

And shortly after that, I felt the back of my knees against the bed, and Kyp urging me in the direction of the tousled sheets. This bed was not ready for us; I could just see us breaking the thing in half and having to explain ourselves. Nevertheless, I eased down onto the small mattress and pulled Kyp down beside me. As his entire body met mine, I suddenly realized the magnitude of what I had instigated and got nervous for the first time, wondering anxiously whether he knew I was a virgin.

He probably did. Even if he hadn't five minutes ago, as strongly as I'd just been thinking about it, he'd probably realized it by now.

I was suddenly very embarrassed.

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

_I was trying to remember how to breathe when she dropped the v-bomb on me..._


	7. Chapter 7

_**-Kyp Durron-**_

I was trying to remember how to breathe when she dropped the v-bomb on me.

_A virgin? Really?_

_Not for long, baby!_

Kidding.

That really was my first thought, but sadly not my last.

I'll confess, I'd never even really thought about it. I had always just assumed that she and Jagged, or maybe even she and Zekk, had at least experimented.

But I must admit, I was thrilled to hear that she hadn't and stoked about what was about to happen—until I felt a tiny hint of fear escape from her, and it dawned on me.

As much as I adored this woman, she didn't belong to me…(yet).

This was the _last_ thing in the worlds I wanted to rush through. I wanted to make it memorable and awesome for her, and as great as she felt underneath me, I _knew_ that right now on this tiny-ass bed probably wasn't the proper time or place.

Then the names JAGGED FEL and HAN SOLO hit me like a wave of cold water. (And I'll admit that the latter was a LOT more influential in my decision than the former.)

As more of my brain began to function, I wondered if I could ever make eye contact with Han again after going through with this, and I also thought about how I'd feel if Jaina _was_ my girl and she confessed to me that she'd slipped in a weak moment and banged Colonel Fel.

The thought of that made me want to blow things up and kill people.

All of these thoughts occurred to me in approximately 7.5 seconds. And when they were complete, I cursed in my head, knowing what I _needed_ to do, but still hating it intensely.

I lingered in the moment for as long as I could, feeling that she didn't want me to move either. But I finally eased out of the kiss and collapsed, resting my head on her chest until our breathing steadied. Her fingers tousled my hair as our heart rates decreased.

A moment later, I opened my eyes and caught sight of my shirt on the floor.

What a horribly mean and sexy thing for her to do!

A disappointed growl rumbled in my throat, but my frustration dissipated quickly when the sweet revelation of my current position and the events of the past ten minutes swept over me again. This was heaven. I suddenly couldn't think of anything worse than having to get off of her. I planned on putting it off for as long as possible.

Fortunately, there wasn't any space on the bed to roll onto, so I caught my breath and pushed myself up to look at her. Her eyes were bright now, her face was flushed pink, and she had the sexiest bedhead I've ever seen.

I moaned in fervid frustration.

"_That was cruel, Goddess. Your timing is really horrendous."_

"_I'm sorry, really I am."_

She was still breathing hard, but she smiled sheepishly at me and wiped beads of sweat from my forehead with her hand.

I was forced to pull up Han Solo's face in my head to keep me from losing my mind right then and there. But even in the midst of my raging disappointment, I couldn't believe the perfection of that moment. She kept running her fingers through my hair and I hovered over her lips for a moment before conquering them again in a slow and highly flammable kiss.

When I finally released her, she sighed and bit her lip, embarrassed. I smiled at her, and gently brushed my thumb across her cheek.

"Did you know?" she asked.

"I didn't, actually."

She blushed and dropped my gaze.

"But it's okay, really. I didn't pull up because you're a virgin," I explained, a grin playing at my lips. "You're clearly not too concerned about that, or you wouldn't have taken my shirt." She pushed my face away with her hand, chewing her lip again to conceal a grin.

I pulled her hand from my face and kissed her palm, my eyes never leaving her. "Your lack of experience is not the issue—" I continued, growing serious. "Your _boyfriend_ is the issue."

Her faced paled at the mention of Jag and she immediately covered her face with her hands. I pulled her hands from her eyes and forced her to look at me. Suddenly, I felt her mind explode with conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I tried to shield myself from any of her revelations that remotely resembled regret. I had too much hope to deal with that right now.

Simply knowing that she had wanted me at _all_ made me feel like I could take on half the worlds by myself. But I knew that my next move was crucial. The past few minutes had been sublime, but I could still blow it if I wasn't careful. After all, we had just trespassed onto dangerous ground. We could rationalize all day, but there was no glazing over the fact that Jaina was outright cheating on her boyfriend—with me! (I suppressed a broad grin at this thought.) No doubt, we had gone about this the wrong way…

But the 'damage' was done. She'd given me new hope.

I had a brand new picture in my head of the two of us together at the end of the road—and in that moment, I realized that I was willing to go through whatever hell and heartache it took to get us to that end. Jaina had stoked my confidence, and I now had every intention of navigating this minefield by her side and emerging safely with her hand in mine—but right now, we were far from stable.

I _had_ to calm down. I had to be ice cold. Difficult, since her body against mine still had me burning like a rabid supernova.

Still, I had to try.

I inhaled deeply, clearing my head and trying to smother the eager bravado rising in my chest. It was going to take _time_ to make this right. Everything was not okay yet, and everything was not going to get okay by me just proving to her that I was the greatest lover she'd ever have…

Man, I really wanted to though...

But I also wanted to protect her. I wanted her to feel all that same passion for me. But to do that, I needed to convince her to let go of Jagged Fel and trust _me_ with her heart.

I'd never felt more inadequate.

"Goddess—listen," I paused, locking her eyes to mine and trying to sober up. It was really difficult; her skin was _so_ soft to the touch, and her sensuality provoked my carnality in a way I never dreamed was possible.

But I continued slowly, gently stroking her face with my thumb. _We'll start with the obvious…_

"I think I've made it _very_ clear on _several_ levels, but in case there's any doubt in your mind, I-- _want_ you… very_, very_ badly…" I swallowed hard, and she favored me with a small smile. "

"But," I continued. "I don't just want you right here, right now, on this bed..."

Her eyes pushed me to continue. I quickly tossed some words around in the back of my mind (and hoped she didn't see them), but I had a mild heart attack when I imagined saying them aloud.

She eyed me warily. "What are you saying then?"

I sighed, stumbling over my words like an idiot.

"I'm saying that-- I want… all of you. All the time. I wanna _be_ with you, Jaina… I have for a long time." Her gaze burned into mine as I continued.

"I don't just want to—use you. I want the responsibility of being your man. I want you to trust me, and I want to protect you. But more than anything-- I want you to _want_ to be with me-- not with Jag, or anybody else. I mean, you and I obviously have some kind of incredible, inescapable connection—and I'm tired of just being a distraction to you."

She sighed and closed her eyes for a long moment_. "I know, I never meant for it to be like that… I'm sorry."_

"_Stop apologizing." _

She opened her eyes again and I continued.

"All I'm saying is that-- you don't really know who I am… and I'm asking for a chance to change that. Just-- let me show you what I'm really about, and then if it's not what you want—fine. I'll let it go. But I can't let it go-- until you can look in my eyes and tell me that I am not what you want."

She was quiet for a minute, mulling over my words. She was quiet for so long that I again remembered that I was on top of her and upon revelation, had to stop myself from grinning like a fool.

"So… I'm not going to move until you agree to my terms." I concluded.

"Kyp, this is sort of important, I need time to think about everything."

"Well, we don't ship out for another couple of hours… and I'm—pretty comfortable, truth be told."

The corners of her mouth turned up. My desire for her flared again and I scooted up to tickle her jawline with my lips. She resisted for about five seconds before sliding down to meet my lips, creating a friction between us that singed my ever-weakening will to behave admirably. We shared another smoldering kiss and when it was over, her hands didn't leave my face. She sighed and her brandy gaze burned into mine.

"I know we can't keep avoiding this, Kyp… In fact, I'll even go as far as admitting that some part of me has always longed to give this a shot—it's just—Jagged. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve this. I'm so afraid to hurt him, but—_it's more wrong for me to stay with him than it is for me to leave_."

I held her gaze, refusing to drop it until she said what I felt she was thinking.

"_You've never been wishy-washy, Solo. If you already know what you want then tell me and we'll figure out what to do. Just tell me the truth—good, bad or ugly."_

In response, she suddenly pulled my face down to meet hers again and shifted her frame against mine in a way that made my entire lower body ache.

_"I-- want you, Kyp…"_

You could have shot me then, and I swear, the laser would have bounced right off my chest.

"_Could you please, please say that out loud?"_ I mumbled, as my lips wandered from her neck to up her earlobe.

She chuckled, amused, and demanded another taste of my lips before answering my request. "I _want_ you," she finally repeated, rubbing her thumb over the stubble on my chin. "Even though your beard keeps stabbing me in the face."

"I would go shave right now—" I answered quickly. "But that would require me to move."

Her smile slowly faded. "It's probably better that you keep it as a deterrent anyway." She met my eyes, very unsettled. "I just—I don't know what to do right now, Kyp. I don't want you to move either, but-- stang, I'm really a horrible person. _How in the worlds am I going to explain this to him?_"

"You are not horrible." I sighed. _"Now, if we had sex right now, _then_ you'd be horrible."_

She gaped at me and shoved my face away from hers again.

"_Ow! That's not what I meant at all. Force, you're so vaping abusive!"_

"_Something for you to look forward to then, freak!_"

My jaw dropped. She smirked at me, enjoying my reaction. Shaking my head and gripping the pillow beside her, I dropped her gaze, and chuckled again in frustration.

"_You are askin' for it, Solo."_

"_Asking for what?"_ she answered sweetly.

"_For--" _

Stangit, is there anything I hate more than being responsible? No, no I don't think so.

I suppressed a growl. "For… a longer, more excruciating tale to explain to your boyfriend."

She shared my agony and blinked her eyes for a long moment again. When she opened them, she rubbed her thumb across my brow and her fingers down the side of my face.

"Then you're gonna have to get off of me… because my better judgment and internal filter are totally impaired as long as you're—there."

I would rather have cut off my own hand than comply with her request. But I knew she was right.

I closed my eyes briefly in acknowledgement. Then I took a deep breath and pushed myself up. She slid from underneath me and scooted closer to the wall so I could sit beside her. I tried to roll off of her, but nearly fell off the edge of the mattress in the process.

Damn tiny-ass bed.

But she giggled, so it was worth it.

Side by side, we leaned against the wall, our feet dangling over the edge of the bed. I even called my thin tunic to my hand and reluctantly pulled it over my head. Then I turned to face her.

"Is this better?"

"No…" she said sadly. "But it'll have to do."

"_I really am sorry about this, Kyp."_

"Hey, it's okay," I slipped my fingers through hers, as it just felt like the right thing to do. I felt a shiver rush through my body as she curled her fingers around my hand. "I'd like a little more space for us to work with the first time around anyway." I continued.

She smiled briefly, but still looked ashamed.

I squeezed her hand and then kissed it. "Besides if it makes you feel any better, I hadn't exactly planned for this encounter… and if you're not on any birth control… we could've had another serious issue on our hands."

She snorted and a smile grazed her lips. "Wow, I barely even thought about that. That's all I need to do is follow in mom & Mara's footsteps and get pregnant in the middle of a war."

"Not to mention, your father would probably see to it that I never knocked _anyone_ up _ever_ again."

She laughed finally, knowing I was right. Then she shook her head softly.

"Force… I can't even believe I'm talking about any of this with you." She said, running her fingers through her hair. She cocked her head and looked up at me.

"What are we doing, Kyp?"

Our famous question. At least I could answer honestly now. I swiveled to face her, took her other hand and kissed it lightly.

"Well, at the moment, we're just talking—and while I find your conversation scintillating, this is considerably less fun than our previous activities—" I leaned in until our noses were touching. "So I vote we go back to that."

She smiled, and I claimed her lips again, briefly.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." she answered quietly.

"I'm not either," I admitted. "But honestly-- there's nothing we can do about this right now. Jag's not here-- and we've got a little over an hour before we've both gotta head back into deep space. And these days, you never know what's gonna happen up there. All we have together is right now. And we're not promised anything else. So, we don't have to do anything crazy—but I say we take the rest of this morning and enjoy it while we can."

Considering my words, she lowered her gaze to glance at my thumb grazing over her fingers. A moment later, she looked up at me again and slowly, her worried face softened into a small smile...

...and something inside of me snapped.

A wave of adrenaline washed over me as I realized something incredibly wild and frightening;

Jaina Solo had become my gravity. Without her, I was lost. And with her, I was falling faster every minute.

_Gulp._

She deserved to know—but I wasn't brave enough to tell her. Not yet. I forced a growing pile of terrifying thoughts into a dark corner of my mind to be dealt with at a later time. An fortunately, Jaina spoke up before I could say anything ridiculous.

"Okay," she answered. "But let's keep it simple, Captain."

Satisfied, I laid back down on our tiny bed and pulled the sheet over us as she snuggled into my embrace. The rain clattered about softly on the roof and the rhythm of our breathing fell quickly in stride. It was amazing. _She_ was amazing.

We made out a little and cuddled a lot for the next hour. It had been awhile since I'd just made out with anyone. And it was sweet torture, really-- but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

An hour or so later, I called my chrono to my hand from the desk. It was 0800; we were meeting the Dozen in 15 minutes. I turned my face back to hers. She was dozing lightly and the tip of her nose was tinted pink from my three-day stubble. I made a mental note to shave before our next encounter. The mere possibility that there _could_ be another one was enough to keep me giddy for days.

I traced her jawline with my fingertip and she stirred and softly sighed with… pleasure?

Wow.

This girl—excuse me, _woman_—was truly breathtaking. I tilted her chin up and she opened her eyes.

"It's 0800." I whispered.

She closed her eyes again, stuck out her bottom lip a little, and made this sexy little whimpering noise.

Force, what a minx. And she didn't even try!

I slipped my hand onto her stomach and kissed her forehead lightly. She smiled… and I melted. Finally, she opened her eyes, and met mine.

"We've got a long day ahead of us, Goddess." I began, suddenly becoming serious. "But no matter what happens today, this is _not_ over. You hear me? As long as we're alive at the end of these 24 hours, _this_ is NOT over."

_**-Jaina Solo- **_

He was right. It was far from over…


End file.
